if you know me, you probably know that i'm a little bit obsessed with coincidences, as is my dad. my mom dismisses them, but then actually tells me and and my dad when she experiences or witnesses a big one, knowing that we will be excited.
i went to see an acupuncturist today. i go to one regularly when i'm in tokyo, but have never been to one in ny and a friend recommended someone. the man who sits next to me on the M5 bus asks me about my injury, and it turns out that his wife, who is sitting two seats in front of us, also fractured her kneecap and hurt her face. we have the same injuries. since he had been with his wife throughout her accident and recovery, he knows the details of the surgery, the physical therapy, etc. and shares all of this with me. i tell him that my accident happened in nepal, so we talk about my life there, about his travels. then it's time to say good-bye.
my acupuncturist says, "fear really is a matter of mind over body." this comes up after she asks me if i feel sturdy when i walk and i tell her that i'm afraid that my knee will buckle under which i have experienced a couple times. and b/c my whole leg, especially the quads, have gotten so weak, i'm afraid that my leg can't support me when i'm walking. or that my kneecap will break again. i'm also afraid of other things - of falling down, of someone attacking me - how would i fight back since i can't run away and one arm is busy holding a crutch. and bigger fears: what if my knee really doesn't bend again? when i think through this rationally - which i tend not to do - i think that this is probably not possible. that is, my knee will bend again. but i'm still afraid. and then even if i can bend it, what if i can't do yoga. yoga has been my guide over the last ten-plus years. and the downward spiral of fears begins. for all the yoga that i've done, i haven't been drawing on it enough during this experience - when i hold my breath during PT b/c of the pain, and my PT has to remind me to breathe, i chastise myself for not drawing on pranayama practices. and when i am restless and looking for distractions, the very time to sit and meditate, i turn to the tv. practicing yoga in a different form, or practicing the non-physical parts of yoga. now is the time for that. and to learn anew. both my PT and acupuncturist say that i am basically having to learn to walk again - it feels awkward and scary and there's a long way to fall if i do. this is where i am.
on the way home from acupuncture, i take the M7 bus instead of the M5. about 3 stops in, the same couple from earlier gets on. "oh! you're even in the same seat!" the husband exclaims. this time, the wife sits next to me and i say, "oh! this time i get to chat with you." the husband sits in front of us but is half-turned to be part of the conversation. she tells me that many of her friends are terrified of falling, which is how she was injured. he says that b/c of the fear, people even start to walk abnormally. instead of swinging their arms back and forth, they hold their arms tightly at their sides. fear again. they reassure me that i will recover. when i say "maybe i'll see you again," she says, "yes, i'm sure we will see you. you will be our new best friend. "
i went to see an acupuncturist today. i go to one regularly when i'm in tokyo, but have never been to one in ny and a friend recommended someone. the man who sits next to me on the M5 bus asks me about my injury, and it turns out that his wife, who is sitting two seats in front of us, also fractured her kneecap and hurt her face. we have the same injuries. since he had been with his wife throughout her accident and recovery, he knows the details of the surgery, the physical therapy, etc. and shares all of this with me. i tell him that my accident happened in nepal, so we talk about my life there, about his travels. then it's time to say good-bye.
my acupuncturist says, "fear really is a matter of mind over body." this comes up after she asks me if i feel sturdy when i walk and i tell her that i'm afraid that my knee will buckle under which i have experienced a couple times. and b/c my whole leg, especially the quads, have gotten so weak, i'm afraid that my leg can't support me when i'm walking. or that my kneecap will break again. i'm also afraid of other things - of falling down, of someone attacking me - how would i fight back since i can't run away and one arm is busy holding a crutch. and bigger fears: what if my knee really doesn't bend again? when i think through this rationally - which i tend not to do - i think that this is probably not possible. that is, my knee will bend again. but i'm still afraid. and then even if i can bend it, what if i can't do yoga. yoga has been my guide over the last ten-plus years. and the downward spiral of fears begins. for all the yoga that i've done, i haven't been drawing on it enough during this experience - when i hold my breath during PT b/c of the pain, and my PT has to remind me to breathe, i chastise myself for not drawing on pranayama practices. and when i am restless and looking for distractions, the very time to sit and meditate, i turn to the tv. practicing yoga in a different form, or practicing the non-physical parts of yoga. now is the time for that. and to learn anew. both my PT and acupuncturist say that i am basically having to learn to walk again - it feels awkward and scary and there's a long way to fall if i do. this is where i am.
on the way home from acupuncture, i take the M7 bus instead of the M5. about 3 stops in, the same couple from earlier gets on. "oh! you're even in the same seat!" the husband exclaims. this time, the wife sits next to me and i say, "oh! this time i get to chat with you." the husband sits in front of us but is half-turned to be part of the conversation. she tells me that many of her friends are terrified of falling, which is how she was injured. he says that b/c of the fear, people even start to walk abnormally. instead of swinging their arms back and forth, they hold their arms tightly at their sides. fear again. they reassure me that i will recover. when i say "maybe i'll see you again," she says, "yes, i'm sure we will see you. you will be our new best friend. "
Hey Aya, this is great. Hang in there. Recognise that your demons are having a field day and congratulate them on their ingenuity. However, it's pretty low of them to kick someone when they can't kick back so maybe they're full of sh*t. What do they know about recovery? They're not trained physios. Maybe send them on an all expenses paid trip to the North Pole?
ReplyDeleteCome back soon!
Juliet x
Thought-provoking, Aya; thanks for sharing. If you weren't injured, then that man most probably would not have initiated that specific conversation dayone; it's interesting what triggers a domino effect of events ne. I do believe everything happens for a reason! Hope you see that couple again some day :) Gambatte, ooen shitemasu!
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