don't think too much

my first time on the stairs at PT. i'm supposed to go up and down a set of five steps. as i hesitate and get stuck mid-step, my PT says, "don't think about it. don't be in your head. just go." i like it when PT lessons mirror yoga lessons and life lessons. i get stuck mid-step and even mid-stride, especially when i'm not using my crutch b/c i don't "know" how my knee is supposed to bend. since it hurts to bend and it doesn't feel natural, i have to think about it - or that's what i think i have to do - and then i get stuck. i laugh b/c i look so awkward with my hip out to the side, my arms out to catch myself, and my leg mid-lift. if i'm not supposed to think too much, where will my walk come from? how will i move? maybe it will just come. not maybe, it will. that's difficult to believe. that going with the flow is enough.

towards the end of the session, after an exercise that involves sitting with my knee hanging off the table, waiting for gravity to kick in so that my knee will bend more, my PT asks about my pain level: "what are we at? 7 out of 10?" i answer: "9.10." i don't know where "9.10" comes from. maybe i'm saving "10" for totally unbearable pain. my PT says, "now you're delirious" and brings me a cold towel to put on my forehead so that i don't pass out. responding without thought, maybe b/c the pain has actually taken me to a place beyond thought, beyond numbers - though a small thing in this case - is a glimpse into the freedom of living in a way that involves less thinking, less restraint, less self-censorship, less fear.